A Programmer’s Term: Read The Fucking Manual

Location: DTC, Colorado.
Availability: By Appointment For Verified Clients Only

  1. I communicate for scheduling purposes only: Please do the same. I just don’t have time to chat with everyone (or anyone, really) that contacts me.
  2. Verification: Required. If you think it’s reasonable that single women should meet anonymous men in her home, we’re just not a match. I do verify the real names of all clients, and for that I prefer LinkedIN. If you have a profile there, send me a “connect” and a day/time you’d like to meet. I verify real names in person, bring your license..
  3. Do not send me acronyms.  Literacy, chivalry and first impressions count! Address me in a legible manner using complete sentences so I understand what you mean. By following my requests in (1, 2) above, it indicates that you respect my safety and feel that my rules do apply to you. If I sense you are a person who believes the covenants of society do not apply to them, I won’t see you.
  4. When your time is up, leave on time. If your issues make you unable to be ready to leave on time, compensate me for your difficulties. One hundred roses per 20 minutes. If  you overstay long enough I miss my next appointment, pay for that appointment, with tip so I can offer a gift to the person who didn’t get to come.
  5. Never ask or hint at wanting dates/uncompensated time: I dislike people who put me in the position where I have to say no.
  6. Never ask me personal or explicit questions: I’ll block you. If you have requests, make them politely in the opening shower, obviously in person.
  7. Compensation: Is only for CO Title 12, section 12, paragraph 35.5-110 “legal alternative methods that employ contact structured to deepen a person’s awareness of movement patterns in his or her body.” Leave the fee on the table by the door upon initial arrival.
  8. Treat me as well as I treat you. Seems pretty obvious. While I have thick skin from this business, I’m not a fan of hearing statements such as “if you lost 30 pounds I’d see you every week”
  9. Mutual respect of time is required: Don’t waste it with inane messages. Don’t play fake-name games with me. If we schedule a meeting, arrive five minutes early — if you are available earlier, let me know and wait in your car for an invite in. Unless pre-arranged or an act of nature intercedes, arriving late is your loss, see #4 above.
  10. Turn your phone off or leave it in your car. I catch people trying to record, take pictures or outright film me every week. It’s irritating. I have always politely asked clients to cease, but reserve the right to tell you to leave.
  11. The polite suggestion to shower together at the beginning of our time isn’t really a suggestion.
  12. Have the self security to show up, turn your brain off and let me take care of you. It’s the point of seeing me. Never ask to “meet for coffee or a drink” to have me expend my free time to show up to verify you in person — insecure men are historically troublesome, asking me to spend uncompensated time for you to decide if you want to verify and/or see me is a huge “red flag”. If you feel you’re that special, pay for a half hour session in advance (which can be done anonymously) then ask me to meet somewhere near my incall.
  13. Trying to negotiate with me: Haggling is ugly, there’s a fee for trying.
  14. Cancellations: I’m well known for being pretty mellow about this. Be communicative, be honest. Stuff happens, it’s no big deal. That said, if you are playing games or flake at the last minute, the fee is due in full before I’ll agree to see you again.
  15. INDICATE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS LEGAL, AND I SPECIFICALLY OFFER NO ILLEGAL SERVICES: I’m specifically offering no illegal services: This is CO Title 12, section 12-35.5-110 legal alternative methods that employ contact structured to deepen a person’s awareness of movement patterns in his or her body. This is fee-based “legal alternative contact”, and compensated accordingly.
  16. Law Enforcement Officers: See #15 above: This is legal and you are welcome to visit, but not if you’re lying about your employment. If you lie about being law enforcement for any reason, you agree that you’ve approached me with unclean hands. Knowing I offer only legal services under 12-35.5-110, if you willfully and unreasonably commit the crime of solicitation and/or use any explicit language after agreeing not to (2,6, above) you expressly agree that all your actions are unclean, both now and in the future, and you waive governmental and qualified immunity for your crimes.